Just another LOTR fanfic
by napalmandmatches
Summary: I posted this story once before but I messed it up in chapter mangement (really got me confused.) So here it is agin.
1. Run in with a Retard

Disclaimer: I did not create any of the LOTR characters; I am just borrowing and claim no right to who they are. I also mean no offense

to Tolkien's original purpose for 

The characters I will be using. (Or Yu-Gi-Oh)

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Chapter One 

Run in with a Retard

One day I was walking thru like a forest and I ran into this dude. He was some freaky shit to. Blond hair blue eyes and a certain resemblance to a two-bit actor (no names.) So I stared screaming. He started to freak out. I mean like really freak out, he started pissing his pant and everything. At this I stopped screaming cause really who likes to see a grown man (elf) wet his pants. It was like I could have smelled it from a mile away. Actually I think someone did because this short little dude came running out of the forest yelling (and pulling up his pant like he just let the trout swim down stream)

"Legolas orcs. Coming from all sides."

At this the "Legolas started screaming and fumbling with a worn out bow. Once he got the bow under control he tried to pull an arrow out of his quiver. He did finally get it out while some how managing to stab himself right were the sun don't shine very well.

All during this show put on by the "Legolas" the short little dude had started chopping down orcs. I mean really he was chopping those fuckers like there was no tomorrow. They went down one after another after another. Now as you can imagine this got quiet bloody; so I (naturally not wanting to be touched by the nasty looking stuff) climbed up a tree. One of the so-called "orcs" wanted to follow but got cut down by the little dude's axe. I kept climbing. In about fifteen minutes it was all over. The little dude went to help the "Legolas" which had been squirming on the ground the whole time (apparently he had almost lost something very important.) Couldn't say I wasn't happy about what happened to the pants pisser.

Just soon after that the little dude came a calling. (Kinda like a dog the little shit face.)

"Come on little girl come here. Come on."

Like a normal person I spat on him and said

"Go away shit face and take your little retard friend with you."

At this a lot of incomprehensible garble came out of the "Legolas'" mouth.

The little dude said, "Please just come down that I may explain some things to you."

I spat on him and came down.

Once I got down the little dude said

"My name is Gimli. What is your name?"

"Why should I tell you?" (Under my voice "asswipe".) You have given me no reason to trust you."

Gimli countered with "W-w-hat do you mean "_you have given me no reason to trust you."_ I just saved your life from orcs that would have raped you then eaten you! What do you do to thank me you spit on me. I should skin you right now."

Me as I usually do when people talk to me that way got angry; so I wanted to annoy him; so I told him "You have the privilege of calling me Yami-Kristin alter ego to Kristin. I shall travel with you and the retard (more garble from the retard) till I have decided that I no longer wish to be around the two of you or whomever we might run into. And hence forth or until I get tired I shall sing the song that "Never Ends". But first where are we going?"

A/N

Kristin: Thanks for reading please R&R

Yami-Kristin: Llamallamallamallama nohavellama


	2. This Is

Disclaimer: I do not own this song

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Me "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing without knowing what it was and the continued singing on and on forever just be cause, A/N: And on and on and on. Real chapter next chapter.


	3. The Retards Problem

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings or Yu-Gi-Oh, and I am only using them for humor.

Chapter Two

The Retards Problem

"**SHUT UP SHUT UP. JUST STOP SINGING AND YOU LEGOLAS STOP ENCOURAGING HER BY HUMMING. I AM GOING TO HURT YOU YAMI-KRISTIN."** And Gimli proceeded to draw his axe. I started to scream and run in circles at a rapid pace. Legolas started to copy me; which of course made me angry; so I head butted him. He fell over gasping in pain. **"STOP"** you know who yells. **"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I JUST CAN'T TAKE IF THE TWO OF YOU DON'T STOP RIGHT NOW I WILL GUT YOU BOTH." **Instantly I straighten and point at Legolas. At that point from stress or because of the fact that I had just sang the most annoying song in the world for three days straight thus he had been unable to get any sleep he just passed out. Legolas and I started laughing then I said "Stupid shit face" Legolas just kept laughing until he wet his pants. "I am surrounded by idiots"

By the time Gimli had awoken Legolas had settled in for the night and I was writing profanities on his face with a black permanent marker (which I seemed to have pulled out of thin air.) By this time Yami-Kristin had sobered up and went back into the puzzle so that I could discuss our situation with the dwarf. After about half an hour or so of explaining that my alter ego was actually an ancient pharaoh from of course ancient Egypt. Then having to tell him what Egypt was and all of that confusing stuff. I finally asked him "What is the elf's problem." Now of course you must under stand that Gimli was very confused at the moment (with the bomb shell of who I was just hitting him) and he looked at me funny; so as usual I whispered under my breath "shit face"; though apparently I did not do it low enough and he snapped out of his daze and said

"What did you just call me?"

"Shit face."

"You really need to watch your language young lady!"

"Answer the question asswipe."

"Oh, Legolas---- During the battle at the gates of Mordor he got hit really hard on the head and suffered severe brain damage. Right now we were on our way to Hobbitin when we ran into you and those stray orcs. I hope the hobbits will have an idea our two to heal any brain damage that might have been done during the battle."

"Well that is rather stupid. Why don't you just hit him over the head with an anvil, until you get the Legolas you want?"

"Because that would be so very stu-"

"Why is that stupid?"

"Because it might give him more bra-"

"-in damage. Yes but if he is already one of the stupidest fuckers I have every met; then really what harm could it do?"

At this point I could tell Gimli was starting to get angry; hell I was surprised he had held out as long as he did.

The next words that came out of his mouth were quaking with rage.

"_What do you mean, "What harm could it do?" What the hell does that imply? That you have no hear t or any feelings for another living creature????" _

At this as you can imagine very well, I broke down into tears and not just any tears but the kind you use when you have done something very wrong and you are trying to convince someone you did not do it. Gimli got quite squirmy at this and the more he squirmed the louder my tears became.

"I'm sorry, so sorry, I should not have said that. Can you ever forgive me?" He said in the most sincere voice he could manage.

"Okay" I said pitifully and dried that fake tears from my eyes.

"I'm going to bed good night." He said gruffly.

"Fine, goodnight" I said as I wiped my eyes once more. "Shit face."

I whispered as I lay down and shut my eyes.


	4. Round and Round Hobbition We go

Disclaimer: I do not own the LOTR or Yu-Gi-OH. I also mean no offense to their original use.

A/N

Yami-Kristin: didyoulikethelastchapter?didya?idid.ihelpedwrite.didyou.

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Chapter 3

Round and Round Hobbiton We Go

After about a week of swift traveling (because for some reason Gimli kept trying to shake me of their tails. Odd, huh?) We arrived at Hobbiton. While we were walking up the lane I paused to ponder (out loud and I did not actually stop walking.)

"Why is it called Hobbiton?" I could have heard Gimli's groan from a mile away.

"I mean really "Hobbiton". Hubiten. Hoobiden. Hogliveninafoxden. Hobbligasumunga. Hoffffffdter—"

**"Hobbiton, Hobbiton, Hobbiton, Hobbiton." **Gimli yelled and I am pretty sure Legolas wet his pants 'cause I smelled something pretty rank (frightened little shit aye?)

"Are you angry?"

**"Aaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh" **

"Funny sound, shit face." Legolas who was wiping off his pants started to giggle.

"GIMLI, GIMLI, OVER HERE." Some strange little people started to yell as they ran towards us. Me like a sane person started screaming, because who wouldn't scream when little people are running towards you. I would like a show of hands please.

So they looked at me funny, so what? I just kept on screaming and like the retard he is Legolas started screaming to. Now me at this point feeling that screaming just wasn't enough started to run in circles. Legolas followed

Meanwhile,

"Hey guys, what is up" Hobbit's with their mouths wide open. "Just let them wear themselves out. Don't worry it happens. -----Eventually. I think I hope. You know dealing with those two is worse than dealing with orcs, hell it is worse than the whole of Mordor put together. Some times I wonder if the two of them were put on Middle Earth just to kill because I am sure you see in my eyes the same fear that would take the heart of you. I am going out of my............"

Meanwhile:

"Do you know what he is talking about Merry?"

"No Pippin; beats the hell out of me. His eyes are all like sunk down into his head like he hasn't had much sleep."

"Yay, and he is quoting Viggo ROTK."

"Nice guy."

"Hmm, he is okay."

"You wanna go for lunch?"

"Sure, I could eat."

So they walk off for to get some lunch. Around dinner Gimli realizes Merry and Pippin are not there and wonders off to find them having dinner at Frodo and Sam' place. About lunch the next day I stopped running and screaming and join them for lunch. Next day at dinner some of the hobbits dragged Legolas away from the spot where he had apparently run himself into a hole in the ground.

A/N

That is it for chapter 4. R&R


	5. Hit His Head

Disclaimer:Anything that is not mine I put no claim to all else is mine.

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Chapter 5

Hit His Head

After lunch the day Legolas was taken out of his hole the hobbits, Gimli and me were sitting in some place called Bag End. The odd thing is I turned that place inside out looking for the end of a bag and never found it. We were sitting in this cozy little excuse for a living room. I was listening to a conversation about Legolas' current state of mind.

"But I didn't notice anything wrong with him when all of you came into my room to see how I was." Frodo was arguing.

"Yes, but he didn't say anything and that's where the problem is. His IQ seems to have taken a plunge." Gimli reiterated for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"Yami-Kristin do you have any ideas?" Sam asked politely.

Gimli let out a groan and took a flask out of his pocket. I was surprised that that was the first time I had seen it.

"Kristin; and yes. Yes, I do I have an idea. I think we should hit him over the head starting with an anvil and ending with a zebra. Or until he is back to the Legolas he was before." I added a "Shit face" for Gimli's sake.

Merry and Pippin had been talking quietly and finally decided to voice an opinion.

"I like Kristin's idea. I have a bagpipe at my house." Pippin started.

"Yeah, I like her idea to. It might be the only way to help him. I have a tree." Merry added.

Sam and Frodo thought for a moment then added their agreement to Merry and Pippin.

"I have a planter." Sam tossed in.

"I can be a friend." Frodo said after a minute of thinking.

I looked at him funny then said "That could work."

"**IS EVERY ONE GOING MAD? YOU CAN'T REALLY AGREE WITH _HER_ IDEA; IT'S MADNESS. ALL OF YOU ARE MAD."**

Apparently everyone thought he was mad. (Don't see why.) I sat there for several minutes thinking. There was only one problem with the plan that I could see.

"What about A? There is a blacksmith's here, isn't there?" I asked in a very serious voice.

They all looked at me for a moment. Then all shook their heads in unison. A mischievous smile took my face and Yami-Kristin emerged in a flash of lights that only I could see.

"Road trip shit faces."

They kept looking at me funny for a moment then...

"To Gondor." Merry and Pippin cried in unison.

"To Gondor, and King Aragorn. I've heard he is a nice person."

So the hobbits and I started making preparations for the long journey. Frodo sadly would not be able to join us saying that he had only one great adventure left in him and this was not it. So naturally Sam said he would not go. The stupid party-shiter-oners. Merry and Pippin started to argue over who would be the friend and all the while little ol'Gimli sat in his little ol'corner thinking about having to go all the way to Gondor with poor Legolas, Merry, Pippin and that strange girl that he could still not understand how she ended up where she was.


End file.
